Philosophy of life... by tgchan

What are we chasing in life? What is our purpose to live? Why don't we do what we want to? When have we lost the control over our lifes?

We are not living in a real world anymore. We believe we do but we are not...

People nowadays are living in an elaborate dream, the world they see is just an illusion. They are being used by the system. The speed of life blind them so they can't see what they have become. I am one of them...slave of the system but I can see it... I don't like it, I don't accept it and I am going to find the way out of it!

If you are not afraid to look  the truth straight in the eyes and you really want to see what I see, then start question everything around you; what you see, hear, feel, taste. Start asking people "why is that?!" before they will force you to think like they do. You will be hated, you will be alone, you will be incomprehensible for the community...

yet you will feel that at least you are in control of your mind.

You will start to understand things, you will feel like a someone who doesn't belong to this place anymore...

When you will talk to a man, thousands thoughts and patterns will run through your mind in a few milliseconds;

-what is he/she thinking,

-what does he/she want

-etc.

It will come naturally when you will be able to read someone's mind... and one day you will come up to the question " Am I fucking crazy !? "

So... What are we chasing in life? What is our purpose to live? Why don't we do what we want to? When have we lost the control over our lifes? These questions can be answered by you and by you alone.

Am I inventing this? No.

I am just trying to describe something which is undescribable.

Sometimes I can see the other world.

It is really hard to explain but I will try anyways, I will bring back my last experience with this weird feeling.

"I am standing in my room looking through the window, it is sunny but cold weather outside, it feels like time has stopped. I can feel I am happy again, I am recollecting all nice things in my mind from past one by one,somehow I know that this will keep this feeling last. I recall my childhood, my 1st pc games; carmageddon,syndicate,blackthorne,red alert, warcraft and many many more, my family looks happy again, full of life, I feel like I am there again, it feels good... I stop there for a bit, in this state of unreal happiness.

Boom, it is gone unexpected in the same way it appeared."

I don't know what is it but I feel it and I know it is there. I was recently trying to play games from my childhood; the magic is still there but somehow too weak, too weak to overwhelm this grey and black life.

In few days we will have Christmas, this keeps me quite in balance from falling into great depression. I know that after these few free days it will get me anyways; college exams, monotony, lack of happiness etc. this all is waiting for me and I know only miracle can save me from this.

When I was a kid, Christmas time was a really big deal for me, I was so happy because of it. I loved playing with toys next to my parents decorating chrismas tree, I enjoyed helping my grandma's, I enjoyed playing outside with my friends when it was snowing...

Now everything lost their colour. There is only an empty shell left from what was so joyful and important for me.

Now I know it is not because of Counter Strike, it is just how things are... There is no constancy, everything flows around "perfect" circle of yin & yang.

What is the meaning of life when you know what will be tomorrow?

I just love to recall times when I used to be happy, especially now when there is no even one bit of joy left in my life.

I remember how I was playing Maple Story for 17 straight hours, damn... it was so boring doing same thing all over again for so many hours... however it was making me so happy... getting level by level with a hard work. In MS I was working hard and I saw results (level) I could go to different places and do different things, I was respected and often admired for what I have achieved.

How ironic...

Now I work same hard if not harder, doing same things all the time, I am not happy, I am not admired and I have no respect.

When I win I feel a bit of happiness but it is nothing in comparison with overwhelming depression which comes with a loss (when I know I did not lose with enemy but only with myself again...)

Yet I am still doing it...

17.12.2006 I remember this day as if it was today

Cold, snowy winter + me heading to media markt for CS:S with a goal to be finally fucking good at something (I was always jealous that people are good at something and I am not, this supposed to be my breakthrough). There was only a dvd version so after a purchase I had to wait couple of days for my christmas present (DVD drive).

So many sacrifices, so much hard work, such a big commitment and I get nothing in a return... NOTHING!

I really don't know anymore, why do I continue this?

Do I still believe in this elaborate dream? or am I just simply scared that I have wasted 3years of my life and eliminated every single happiness?

You win couple of matches than you lose versus some noob (because you couldn't focus/control emotions etc.)  and it is like: 

"Getting a huge kick in the balls and while you lie on the ground you can hear people laugh from you... then someone comes to you, spit on your face and say YOU ARE SHIT AT THIS GAME!..."

this is what you get.

Yet I am still doing it... Why?

Because I FUCKING BELIEVE THAT WITH A HARD WORK  AND SACRIFICE YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO!

5.12.2009

I woke up at 5am... Time to go to college... college which is ~82km away from my city...I don't have a car so I have to go there by bus.

8:00 - 17:25 coffe after coffe just to stay awake during lecture

Idea that after whole day in college I will have to go and sleep in someone's house is always making me damn angry... I just hate it... but I have to stay for a second day lessons anyways.

I was really not in the mood to stay there this time, so right after the last lesson was over(17:25) I have packed up my shit and ran to bus station. In ~2h or so I was already lying in my bathtub, but most pleasant thing was still waiting for me of which I had no idea.

When I have finished my bath I went to my room and...

I am sitting and watching how my system loads up, checking few favourites sites and finally starting my steam...

For a second I feel like an "Alice in Wonderland" I can't say if it is true what I see or not...

[R] .PhP added you to friends...

I thought haha nice fake... pretty good idea to make fun of me... checking his profile/friends

FUCK ME RUNNING it is real .PhP ! ! !

For those who don't know who .PhP is... well

www.reason-gaming.net

He is the best CS:S player in the world...

I was so happy I didn't know what to do with myself, I grabbed my phone and called to my friend who is also great fan of .PhP saying something like " Check my friends list on steam as fast as you can! "

I still don't know why I have received this honour because either I am offline or he is

Maybe he added me by mistake? want to give me some tips? cheer me up? It doesn't really matter as he already gave me great and I mean FUCKING GREAT MOTIVATION (just by adding me) to continue what I have started 3years ago and still fight for my dreams to come true.

Thank You Marek ".PhP" Kadek

Yea I know... big fucking lack of update huh? Well not too many people comes around here anyways...

There are no changes in my life so far + I am quite busy updating the other site connected with my CS:S team

www.fufrag.webs.com

that is why this one get a bit rusted.

Well I guess I have a plenty of fans who are hungry for some information what I was doing lately so... I was doing

NOTHING NEW!  how surprising, isn't it?

Well I am going to work in the morning, playing afternoon and at night. I have recently gained some nice skil, sad that I can't show it in some pro matches so people could see...

Day by day I am waiting for some manager ask me to play for his professional CS:S team... but I know I am not noticeable enough... especially without the team.

Well I will keep trying because I can't do anything else anymore to be honest.

This is the only one thing which still makes me happy sometimes, the only thing which gives me hope.

Well I guess I did not...

3years...

Finally I have let it go...

Finally I have managed to leave CS:S behind me...

There was no team for me, no proper players... no one enough serious, dedicated, disciplined, able to practice 4+ hours per day. Of course there are lots of good players but there is always something... lack of time, skill, experience, discipline, desire or something else... make this all work out is nearly impossible without proper people.

I get really tired of this making/joining new teams. It made me tired of game, sucked out whole motivation and hope...

I was getting angry because of everything even playing on TDM; my low sens, crosshair, resolution etc... I had to finish this.

I don't know for how long I will manage to stay out of CS:S... I just wanna forget.

I have never gave up on my dream...  I'm just changing my direction a little bit...

Now I will be able to put even 6h+/day for my practice, the only limit is me myself.

Alone in life, alone in game.

"A frag a day keeps the doctor away…"

I join team > team fall apart

I make team > team fall apart

I wanna change game > I fall apart

Day by day pass, I try to recollect people saying things like "...keep fighting, you will get it...", "...never give up...", ..."true dreams never die..." etc etc it is just not working anymore. I have feeling that I am writing about same things all over again with different words for fuck sake... why I just can't drop this motherfucking game which consumed 3 years of my life, why I can't play some mmorgp like in old days having pure fun of doing this, why do I keep thinking about css and this elaborate dream...

Maybe I am doing the right thing but in wrong game? what game then? I don't fucking see any other I could like/play... + there are not too many options atm....

-starcraft BW; gl playing vs players doing it  for 11years...

-quake;

-cod4;

-dota;

-wo3;

-cs 1.6

every fcking game is either too old to join the competition or just not for me...

I would love to play dm for like 6h straight mastering my aim/recoil but I just fcking can't anymore if I don't see any reason to do this... when I am in team, playing really skilled league matches I feel this internal need to practice more and more to be better during matches. When I am in nowhere like now... playing dm is just making me angry because I am playing shit, not even trying being good.

There is always some fcking big obstacle to my  little success...either someone:

- have no time for practice and we have to drop him

- have no enough exp/skill and we have to drop him

- language barrier

- character

- common goal, desire, dream, dedication

- and fcking more and more...

there is always has to be something... Now I want to clone my fcking ass. That would fix the problem...

There is no point to post more adverts because everyone is making new team and every new team just fold after few days/week + 99% of them are just fcking lame... they think that playing 30h in 2weeks will make them good... and then when they play againts someone really good they moan "cheats, cheater etc" motherfucking lows...

GOD you piece of shit if you exist why don't you put me out of my misery? just make me get hit by a car or drop some heavy shit on my head so it will splash me.

Oh btw if this fcker exist, DEVIL has to as well.... so come on you red horned motherfucker I would be more than happy to sell my soul to you for a good team and some good lans with it...

FUCK!

I am ugly motherfcker

Whoa... 11 October 2009 = 158 visits...

12 October 2009 ( today ) already = 69 visits...

I mean, slow down guys or you will crash the server lol

I am really pissed... because of two things:

- it looks like my new team don't give a shit about me and my seriousness, we agreed to make at least 5 training days in a week and they have already skipped 4 days in a row...

During these 4 days I was playing on dm server boring my ass off... but on second day my old css mate asked me if I want to try make a new team again... and here comes the  big problem...

I mixed with them few times, on the next day we had couple of good games as well. I liked it. People are skilled but unexperienced to play as a team. Me and my old css friend have decided that there is no point mixing people from different countries anymore, problem is that one guy is living in Belgium atm and we are something like -1 if LAN. Frankly, I am sure about only 1 person so far... a guy with who I played more than a year together, so we know each others really good and what is even more important we are on the same page.

If that wouldn't be enough... when I have started my steam today, I have got 5 new friend invitations ... probably in connection with recruitment.

What am I supposed to do now? My new team tricked me once already ( and most likely it is not the last time... ), my friend asked me to make a new team again with him, but we don't have a proper players so far anyways...; one is from Belgium, second has no time for 5 trainings in a week...

And here comes the last thing namely,  +5 new invites on steam... Fuck my life.

We will see... no rush decisions for sure. I know what I want, after a little chat I will know what they want from me and what they can offer me as a team. I would love to play with them all and see how it would be but I can't split myself...

- the second reason why am I pissed is my fucking crosshair. I just can't decide...

[scale 15000] is slow and accurate + great for 1deag shots, tracking the enemy with it is very hard

[scale 1200] is  inaccurate and fast + much easier to handle & tracking the enemy in movement

Of course it is a personal thing so noone can help me with it. I have this one question which drives me crazy: which crosshair will be better for me when I will master it...

Everytime when I die or kill someone, I think " how it would be with the other crosshair...  " this makes me play like a shit.

I know if I would have proper, really good team the problem would be solved, I wouldn't have so much time for thinking about bullshits

but I don't have one ... ;/

I am speechless and almost in tears... I just have finished the documentary movie about professional gaming;

http://www.fragmovie.com/

it was like watching a movie about myself... 101% truth about pursuing the dream squeezed into 1h 27min movie...

Now here comes the little gift for people who read my blog:

http://rapidshare.com/files/154448342/frag-documentaree.2008.part1.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/154449382/frag-documentaree.2008.part2.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/154447238/frag-documentaree.2008.part3.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/154452301/frag-documentaree.2008.part4.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/154453274/frag-documentaree.2008.part5.rarq

http://rapidshare.com/files/154454244/frag-documentaree.2008.part6.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/154455185/frag-documentaree.2008.part7.rar

( thank You Ash!!! for telling me about this movie, and for links!!! [] )

If you are a serious gamer who is pursuing the same dream as I do, you will love it more than any other movie...

I have to translate it and make my parents watch it ffs...maybe they will finally understand with what I am dealing here...

After getting flamed on every big esport site, pro teams forums etc. some people get interested in me nonetheless. I have played with some, it was only for like 1-3 days  atm but 1 team get my attention really quick... well it wasn't even a team until I have joined. What I am trying to say... this is completely new team but it feels so good from the very beginning. It has everything what I need:

- friendly atmosphere

- decent skill and experience

- dedication

- desire

- discipline

- and someone I have never had in my team before... A GIRL ! ! !

Yes, yes... we are 4 guys + 1 girl... what is more... She is great!!!! A gamer with great skill, experience and personality, her soft  and nice voice during the game makes me really calm. Don't be naive though... you would never like to play having her in opposite team ^^, she is a wonderful skilled gamer.

A girl playing games... playing them fucking good! I hope I will find someone like her in my life, because my perfect girl has to play and love games like she do, period!

Anyways... as we all know QUOTES: #32  right... so I am  taking it really slowly, without any great hopes. So far it is great.

I hope this team will stay together for some time, grow better and make some serious damage in esport.

I really want it... I hope they will be glad having me with them as I am, having them.

Damn... I don't wanna even go to sleep... I know that when I will wake up I will be in the same shit.

I am really depressed, like really fucking depressed. There is no even one single happiness in my life anymore, not one bit of it. I am trying to relax, have some fun... I was trying to play other games; quake live, going back to mmorpg maple story but...

I just can't. It is not working anymore for fuck sake. I just wonder how it would be if I would never buy CS:S, never thought about being pro gamer. Would I be happy now?

It is autumn already, I was waiting for this dark, wet and cold weather outside with a hope that I will be happy playing at home.

Now I am so fucking depressed + this weather + fucking job + fucking studies in other city  = all I want now is to never wake up!

Where the fuck I made mistake!?!?!?  WHERE AND WHEN THE FUCK I TOOK THE WRONG WAY IN MY LIFE?!?!?!? that I am where I am now...?

Invisible wound is killing me everyday from the inside... the wound I can't heal... the wound nobody can see...

who am I? what am I? why am I?

And here I am again, teamless, without motivation and happiness. I feel like a squeezed sponge, the life has been drained...

My family is pissing me of, I can see like everything around me is dying, going away to the place where it will fade and be forgotten. How can I be happy, full of joy when my life doesn't have a taste anymore?

Sometimes I wonder if there is any stronger thing in human life than a hope? it is like backup energy source when every other is used.

I am a dreamer, really hardcore one. Dreams + hope = food for my mind.

My biggest dream... (always was and forever will be) is being immortal.

I would finish this post stand up and go! go, go, go and go never looking back. I would round the world, enjoy every detail in life, sleep everyday in other city, live few years in china, japan, usa then come back to my home city again. Everytime things would turn out bad for me I would walk away and round the world again and again.

Sometimes I am almost certain that the hell and heaven thing really exist, and I am in the 1st one.

Leaving day to day, realizing that you can't make what you love or be who/like you want, leaving in a world where everything is opposite to the world you dreamed about. Everyday you hope this is only a bad dream, very real and painful but still only a dream from which you think you are able to wake up someday.

Question is... when have you fell asleep?

3 days ago my CS:S team died... I was so happy because of it; cool people, decent skill etc. it wasn't active enough though but I reconcile with it and gave it a try. After few weeks everything fell apart... my whole hope, dreams, cs:s career. Everyday I was waiting for our team practice, happy that we will finally play something together but this day instead of practice I get most destructive message for my esport motivation ever.(I really did not see this comming...)

I was so depressed because of it I wanted just fucking delete the game and forget about cs:s once for all! I am really tired of this joining new teams and learning everything from the scratch again.

Before going sleep I have posted adverts on few sites that I am looking for a team bla bla bla.

Of course I get flamed on sites that I am low, polish etc. but few people added me on steam anyways so it worked out.

I was so fcking pissed because of my old team went down that I was really mean and cocky for people who where interested in me. At the end of the day I deleted them all anyways, I just didn't care about anything, anyone, everything was pointless. One guy added me and never even asked me about anything so I told him few not very nice words before deleting him.(who would thought this very same guy will boost new hope and life into my dreams lol/ FFS I am still very stupid ;( )

On the next day when I have turned my steam on I have noticed that two same guys added me again. I was calm now and more rational but still very sceptical. The guy who never asked me about nothing before, now asking about stuff connected with cs:s and esport. After a little chat I went play with him and the team. I have played really good and after few matches together he asked me if I was cheating during these games lol... after we get things nice and sparkling clear he asked me if I still wanna join the team. I was so fucking happy because these guys are really, really good and active, I mean what else could I want?

There were so many trialists and he picked me... wow I thought...I am not so bad huh?

And here I am again: fresh team which got everything what it needs to become professional esport team.

Fate? Destiny? or just coincidence? My old team died 1st day and on 2nd day I am getting new team which is more skilled and more active.

After all this, I think about Jason Lake's quote "Real dreams never die."

It looks like yin&yang phenomenon still working and doing fine I guess; one thing die and the new one is born.

All I want now is this team stay together and get stronger and stronger so we can smash competition like a bug.

I believe in you!!!

http://team-enigmatic.com

Thank You Jean 'steve' Verkest for giving me the new hope and chance to make my dreams come true. (damn that sounds a bit gay lol)

Sometimes I feel that I am doing something right, I am walking in good direction... it is great feeling that you know where are you heading in life, you are not lost anymore.

I am back in " making music stuff " I have a good feeling about it, at least at the moment.

I know also that my music will have vocal and it will be mixed up: nin,fla,vac something. Still, I know only like 1% of my program I am working with but I will learn it, love it, master it.

I need time, plenty of it I have to learn much stuff. I know that if I will finish my 1st song everythign will go smoothly from that point.

I have something to say, I have to break through this shell of depression, loneliness, and self-pity!

I have everything what I need to succeed I just hope it will be enough to finish what I have started.

tgchan from 1337malfunction.

We always wanna be someone else or is it just me?

I know I have very low self-elsteem but I am so dissatisfied with my life / myself... everything pissing me off: my skin, that I care so much about cleanness, that I am shit at everything, that I think too much...

this makes me feel that every other option than me is better.

Sometimes I have this feeling that my mind is in wrong place/time/body and this is why I have so much problems with myself.

Whoa... I am obsessed with drugs again, I know I will try lsd or shrooms pretty soon or even both... damn I can't fucking wait!

Watching " Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas " just helped me remind how much I wanted to try it.

That sucks that I just can't walkt to closest store and buy few acids :/ it will be a really tough to get one... especially when you don't have o many friends lol ...

8h-12h of hard trip fuck yea I am ready for this anytime! I hope I will get it in few days!

Eating chocolate...one by one, it helps remind me I'm still alive

Tears flow on my face

Life is passing all around me

and I stay in one place of nowhere

Placed in box of life I wander from wall to wall

trying to find the way out

My parent's faces are fading away

they will become a memory soon

and I will stand in the very same place of nowhere

Thrown into ocean in storm, I was never meant to survive

I want to make so many things...yet I am not even able to live

Trying to find out about myself

I end up lost even more

Trying to be part of something

I see how imperfect  being I am

Broken soul into million little pieces

too late to get them all back into one place again

Losing the grip with reality I fall into abyss

Falling down I am looking for an angle's hand

Hand which will bring me back to place where I used to smile...

Inspired by eating a chocolate and listening to NIN - Right where it belongs (live) CLICK

See the animal in his cage that you built

Are you sure what side you're on?

Better not look him too closely in the eye

Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

See the safety of the life you have built

Everything where it belongs

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart

And it's all

Right where it belongs

What if everything around you

Isn't quite as it seems?

What if all the world you think you know

Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection

Is it all you want it to be?

What if you could look right through the cracks?

Would you find yourself

Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head

Just creations of your own?

Your devils and your gods

All the living and the dead

And you're really all alone?

You can live in this illusion

You can choose to believe

You keep looking but you can't find the woods

While you're hiding in the trees

Trent Reznor, NIN

I have to find out the way where I can give vent to my hate, anger, insanity. Infect people, pour the truth over them and take away every protection they have got, which makes them so hypocritical & fake!

Music would be the best weapon to use, propably this is why god left me half deaf... but I will find the way... I will.

this is fcking end!!! Day by day I am doing my best and getting nothing!!! IT IS FUCKING OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

there is no more dreams left, no hope!!!! no fucking inch of happiness in me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is all over I died last fucking time today !!!

pure hate, this is what left of me...