Philosophy of life... by tgchan

Journal

Wow...I would never say I will start my own blog...WTF -_-'

Anyways I'll treat it like my life journal so I can remember how f*cked up life I was leading (hopefully I will be more happy in future...)


For those who read my journal: as you have noticed (or not) I am adding some youtube music clips. Basically this is the music I am listening to while writing the new posts. This is the music I love, this is the music which helps me write everything straight from my mind/heart.

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wow...

Posted by tgchan on July 2, 2012 at 1:30 PM Comments comments (0)

wow...

Finally after a year I have gathered enough motivation and will to update this site and add some new content... I hope you will enjoy it!


Being lazy is really exhausting... :D

what's next?

Posted by tgchan on June 10, 2011 at 7:43 PM Comments comments (0)

Since December 26, 2006 my life has changed...


Finally I had a goal in life and the confidence in what I am doing...


After all these years I am forced to semi-retire from my gaming career which has never really started...


Due to lack of any gaming success(no proper people to play with/no team/no personal achievements) I am all burnt out and pretty sure it is time for me...


In December 2010 I have switched to Counter-Strike 1.6 from CS:S which helped me to see that this is the game I really love and thrust a lot of new motivation. Unfortunataley it wasn't enough to overcome all failures on the way of making my dreamteam...


By "semi-retire" I mean; I will no longer  actively look for the team nor the players to play with me. All I will do is just make sure my skill is sharp and ready to go anytime, just in case and for the love to the game.


I have tried almost everything to become a professional gamer and make my dreams come true...

I guess I am missing something...

 

I am open for all kind of propositions; I can play in any English/Polish speaking team which is serious enough and really want to do this.


If you think you are on the same page as me and you would like to play with me in the future, do not hesitate and contact with me. Maybe one day we will have 5 people in the team...

The people with who we will share fun and pursue our dream of becoming the professional gamers...


http://steamcommunity.com/id/tgchan

 

thx all for nice feedback

Posted by tgchan on May 9, 2011 at 1:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Thank you all for some nice words and appreciation.


Unfortunately I have stopped updating my site some time ago. I am thinking of coming back, maybe some youtube channel or something but it will consume lots of my time which I spend currently for gaming :/ so I am not sure yet.

Anyways I am still here, still not sure where I am heading... ;)


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coma

Posted by tgchan on January 13, 2011 at 8:49 PM Comments comments (0)

I have lost motivation to write new things here. Nobody give a shit anyways.


I have quit CS:S and moved to CS. Formed the team of people with whom I can play a lot.

Am I happy now? No. I wake up only to wait for training so I can play with team; problems, problems and problems... always something on my way. I have lost job (not because of me) and now I have to look for another one...


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All I do is sleep, eat and play but somehow I can't enjoy it. I really don't know anymore what I need in order to be happy. I put a lot of hard work and heart in my team but it brings shit results anyways.


I miss old times... so much, really... The blithely childhood of innocence.


I can't find my own place, everywhere I stay, work, talk etc. I feel like a stranger... like a weird shaped puzzle.


I envy people's life, when I look at their photos etc.


I feel more and more disconnected from the reality, I don't see people, cars, sidewalk etc. anymore... just an obstacles and the way from point A to point B.


I am more and more dead. How much longer can I fall into this abyss of nothingness.



I want to be a musician, an actor, a pro gamer, a singer, a guy working in game industry, a writer, an artist... anyone but not a grey random guy... all I wan't is just to find my own place... the place I will feel a part of, the place which will let me be and live like a me.


This scary paranoia haunts, day by day my life is ending and I still don't know who am I?



It feels so weird... like I am in the most boring movie, trapped between dream and reality.

The worst thing is... all I do is wait. I wait for a miracle or something that will change it all but I know it may never come... and I am scared of it.

loop till you puke

Posted by tgchan on October 19, 2010 at 3:27 PM Comments comments (0)

Long time since I have updated my journal...


First of all I would like to say sorry to all people I have hurt recently, especially guys from steam.



Sometimes I just can't stand reality so much I have to " turn myself off ", be alone etc.

I hate when I blame people around me for almost everything what is bad. I try to justify my current situation in life by looking at myself through someone else eyes.

I am really in great depression at the moment... what is more I have decided to put away one of my cure: sweets.


I have used to eat at least 1 jar of nutella + lots of other chocolate bars etc. Sometimes when I was really sad I was eating a jar of nutella in few minutes... Yes it really helps me. It works like "mmm look, this is how life sweet can be if you were not such a fucked up... " and I want this moment last and last, spoon by spoon...


Of course there is a price for that kind of cheap drug and I am not talking here about the money...


For the last ~5 months I have gained like +6kg of weight... I am not going to be a fcking fatso... hell no!


I am such a mess at the moment that I keep installing and uninstalling 3 games almost every day and keep thinking about 4th...


" Fck this shit game CS:S I am so full of it!(delete), I am going to play cs1.6(install). It is so much better and I am almost as good as in CS:S etc. etc. Same shit players without dream or dedication as in css, fck that I don't

belong in cs1.6(delete). I have enough of cs/css and fighting for elaborate shit dream I will just play some cool realistic game, the stuff I really enjoy, Red Orchestra(install). Omfg stupid fps dropping in big fights 50/50 server, the game is so fcking slow...agrhh killed again now I have to run for minutes!!! hmmm CS:S...  fck that! this is the place where I belong.This is the game I have been playing for years! but I can't play both games CS:S and Red Orchestra(delete)? my aim will get fcked. CS:S (install) Ok lets go slow now, build up old skill and confidence, don't mess with settings etc. and show everyone what you really are... "


This fcking loop last for few weeks already... between these games I am thinking also about SC2 but being a complete noob  repels me...


SEE!!!? I can't even think about games as I used to... just fcking play the game and enjoy it nothing more... but I can't... not anymore...


I am so mental... so unreal...


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KoRn - Hating


My life is such a waste

Begging for something to work this time

But why can't I relate?

Feeling all I do is get what’s mine

Holding on to faith

Never gave me nothing but despair

So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

I cannot take this place

Burning up inside this space of mine

But why can't I replace feelings I find hard to really find?

I try but I can't taste

Memories they always fuck with me

So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

All my feelings have been eating all of me

Feed inside

Is there something wrong with me?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find



Obsessive?compulsive disorder

Posted by tgchan on September 13, 2010 at 2:47 PM Comments comments (0)

Obsessive–compulsive disorder... + a lil bit of mysophobia.


This is what I got (for sure)...and many more I bet lol


Few weeks ago I was watching again " Matchstick Men " movie, it is really great.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0325805/


Main character...


" Roy suffers from several mental disorders, including agoraphobia, mysophobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder and a tic disorder — not to mention the fact that he yells, "Pygmies" whenever something surprises or upsets him. "


In my opinion this is Nicholas Cage at his best.


I was laughing my ass off because of his mental disorders, maybe because I knew exactly how awful he was feeling about certain things haha.


The movie and the wikipedia gave me an idea that I can finally learn about this son of the bitch which makes my life a lil fcking bit harder.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchstick_Men


I am really glad I don't have it all what he does, otherwise I would blow my brains out.


The thing which really bothers me is that my mental disorders are incresing...


I remember that I have started hoover my room everyday few years ago, now I do my room, bathroom and the hall...(everything next to my room) FFS lol


Everytime I go out from my room and come back I hoover soles of my flip-flops before I sit down to my desk. Not to mention that I hoover my mousepad, mouse and the keyboard like 10times a day...


It is not something that will make me go crazy and pop my brains out if I will not do it...

but it just simply makes me feel bad and uncomfortable.


I know I get some things after my mother as she is crazy about cleaning etc. but what I got is upgraded shit... much heavier and annoying.


Anyways when I say about this to people (and they don't get it why )they laugh and I laugh with them even when it is pissing the shit out of me sometimes :D


It is just a funny disorder to have, especially when you recollect Nicholas Cage and his role as  Roy ^^,


and what is most important!!!...

nobody will ever be more clean than you are and your room/house/stuff unless he has some greater disorders lol



Pygmies!

IQ?

Posted by tgchan on August 16, 2010 at 8:54 AM Comments comments (0)

I feel that I am extremely  intelligent...


I can read people like an open book,

I can see angles nobody else can see,

I can adjust to every situation immediately,

I can get into someones mind and know how they feel, what they think,

I can foresee reaction of the people in most situations,

I can be who you want me to be...

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yet...


I know I am very stupid,

I can't make simple math,

I am extremely lazy,

I can't find my own place in life,

I don't know how can I use my talent or maybe I am too lazy?

I am too weak to fight for my dreams,

Even if I can predict the course of my action, sometimes hate and rage blinds me,

I am such a dreamer that sometimes I lose the grip with the reality,

Because of my rules and beliefs I am all alone... no best friend, no friends... just buddies.


" If I can't have real friends I choose not to have any... "



So am I extremely intelligent guy or just a mental fool?


I guess this all even out, making me another ordinary walking bag of meat... nothing more... nothing less...

back to css or css came back to me?

Posted by tgchan on August 5, 2010 at 6:17 PM Comments comments (0)

I am back to css again. It is not the same comeback as in the past. I just play some dm and 2vs2 on esl with my friend. Nothing serious, no more any dreams involved...


I am sh1t and I want be better and better, get good team and do as much as I can but it is not like in old times anymore... I don't play dm for hours, I don't force myself to play sh1t mixes just to get better...


I just wanna enjoy the game nothing else anymore... of course if I will have a chance to get into good team and practice 24/24h, I will... the desire and the hunger for the dream is still in me but I don't push things to the limit as I used to, I know it doesn't work in my case.

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It feels weird... I got almost all I wanted for my perfect life... all I do is gaming, eating, sleeping just like I wanted. I really don't have to worry about anything at the moment yet something great is missing in this, something that doesn't let me enjoy it for 100%... maybe the idea that in a very short time it will all ends...?


I don't know...

Is there a thing like a destiny? Do I have to look and fight for it? or it will come to me anyways?


What should I do? Should I change my life? Try new things?

I feel like I woulnd't enjoy anything else...


I love to keep things simple. I am simple and my life is simple in some way. It just need few tweaks I guess...


losing

Posted by tgchan on August 1, 2010 at 9:27 AM Comments comments (0)

I am losing it all the way now...

I can't even say what is wrong but I can feel it... I can feel that I am totally dead.


Is it because I gave up on my dream ? Is it because wherever I go I can't find the place for myself ? Why do I see everything in black now ?


Omfg what the fuck is happening with me...

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I am able to see so much more now... so much I have a feeling nobody else can see it except for me... but why only dark, painful and sad things?


emptiness

Posted by tgchan on July 28, 2010 at 11:01 AM Comments comments (0)

I really miss a good friend. The friend with who I could play same game, share fun, talk about random things etc. just a normal stuff I guess...


I felt really ok for few past days; I really enjoyed the gaming etc. but yesterday around 3am something has changed... so suddenly it almost felt liek punch.


I think I can't be happy too long, what is worse I am afraid I enjoy being sad, depressed somewhere deep inside my mind... I need it in order to be myself... It is liek a parasite eating my alive but somehow I don't want him go away...

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extreme gaming in extreme temperatures...

Posted by tgchan on July 17, 2010 at 6:07 AM Comments comments (0)

It is so fcking hot that I am sweating my ass off just sitting around... that is bad for gaming... I'm telling you...


Today I will level up to 80lv with my rogue ( took me exactly 31days without being exping wh0re. I just enjoyed the game )


http://eu.wowarmory.com/character-sheet.xml?r=Emeriss&cn=Tgchan


I have already subscribed  for +2months. People say that the real fun starts after 80lv, well I hope these noobs are right.

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Nothing really happens in my life now except... THAT I AM FUCKING SWEATING MY ASS OFF! god fckign damn it! It really annoys me...


Hey noob,

mayb if liek 1 day my nutsack fell off id liek start playin mmorpgs lol but wile i stil got balls i figur i shuld use them rofl

-teh_pwnerer


Well I am 25yo balless virgin geek living with my parents and I am too sh1t in pro games like cs sc quake etc. so all I can do is hf in wow...

wow

Posted by tgchan on June 29, 2010 at 10:14 PM Comments comments (0)

(It is 4:26am)


Because of the WoW servrer maintenance I wasn't able to play but I have watched another incredible fcking great movie instead.


A movie which is a pure art. The movie that will twist your brain and force to think about your existence and many other things...


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0485947/


Great piece of work, everyone who likes good movies should check this one.


If you need more good movies check my top rated movies I have seen. They are all worth it.


http://www.imdb.com/mymovies/list?l=39148974



This movie should give me some weird dream now lol



Damn! it is a day when I go to sleep and it is a day when I wake up... I am getting confused lol...

holidays

Posted by tgchan on June 28, 2010 at 9:16 AM Comments comments (0)

So finally I got what I wanted... This is how my day looks now:


- I wake up around 1 pm

- I make 50 push ups then 66 sit ups

- hoover my room/ mouse pad, keyboard etc. (one of my psychological problem)

- play on guitar for couple of minutes (I wasted money for it so I have to play on it for at least few minutes everyday just to feel better/ probably my another psychological problem)

- and from now... all I do for the next ~14h is gaming LoL

- 4 am I turn off my pc and go sleep.


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NEXT DAY:

- look above lol


I will repeat this day pattern for whole holidays...(I will have to find some time to write my thesis though fck...)


w00t?!


This is me... this is what I do...



Today I had a dream that I have a girlfriend lol. It was quite cool to have someone...


You know... you can't really have a girl when you lead such an extreme GAMER lifestyle...rotfl

I mean, yes you can but this is not the only problem...


Add some fucked up point of view on life, lots of depression, some minor psychological problems and you will get the boyfriend from hell LMAO


Fck it is late (15:47) and I didn't play game yet!


cya next time


wow>css

Posted by tgchan on June 21, 2010 at 1:18 PM Comments comments (0)

Few days ago my brother bought me a WoW pack. I would never buy/play this game but since it was a b-day gift I had to give it a try...


I was always againts wow;

- too complicated

- you have to pay monthly for it

- too much stuff to learn

- game for noobs

- fantasy worlds are for gays

- etc.


Well I was mistaken...


Actually the game pwn so much you can't describe it... you just have to try it out, this is the only way you will know what I am talking about.


- it is not complicated

- paying for such a good game is a pleasure (even when I am low on money)

- everything is very intuitional and easy to learn

- well I am noob atm so I will have to wait some time until I say if it is a game for noobs or not

- fantasy world huh? not my favourite but the gameplay pwns so much you really don't care about it because overall feeling while playing the game is great (it is like a GTA on crack)


Apparent lame b-day gift turned out to be one of the best presents I have ever got.



CS:S? Well what can I say...?

Playing with inactive/noobs all the time burnt me out...

It looks like I have wasted my chance... or maybe I've never had it?


I don't give a shit about it anymore, I don't have ANYONE I can play with. Maybe it is just me but I don't care anymore. I did my best.


Now I play WoW and I fcking enjoy it so much I play for 15h and I don't have enough of it.


I am done with university and job, there is only 1 thing I have to do (write thesis) 


Except fot this, I have whole holidays just for gaming and I will fucking enjoy it!


I will digitalized my brain to the core!


games4life


existence

Posted by tgchan on June 6, 2010 at 3:53 PM Comments comments (0)

Depression is eating me alive.

Sometimes I have to go to sleep just to stop thinking because I feel like my head will explode.


I can't find place for myself...

..is there any...?


I have so much free time, I have so much dedication and discipline in myself... why I can't find any other place where I can put my effort...


I play mixes, dm, aim, whatever... I am doing really good and what? I can't use it anywhere...

I don't have any reason to be even better... I don't have anyone I could share it... Nobody care...

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People hate me and I hate them...

There are only few honest guys who I really respect and I will never change it. I am not going to lie someone if he is a piece of shit or just simply doesn't fit to my personal requirements.


I feel so drained...

I don't give a shit what will happen with me... it just really doesn't matter...


I try to be happy, find other things to do but it is like something is holding me and it won't let me out...


So much free time... day after day wasted for nothing... my life wasted... I can't get it out of my head....

search

Posted by tgchan on May 28, 2010 at 5:36 PM Comments comments (0)

And I am messing with my settings again...

My team is barely active... All I do is aim/dm servers all the time...


Small crosshair is really not my thing... I was barely making 2/1 KPD most of the time with it.

Still looking for the settings which will makes me feel confident during the game. So far LARGE is doing pretty good. I used to play on it some time ago and here we go again...




I will stick with it for soem time, give it a try in few matches etc.


My team will be inactive for whole holidays... In my case when I don't enjoy mixes with some randoms, it will be a really tough time. I have to find something for this period. Maybe I will find something better and stay with them...


I was really hoping that we will play for whole holidays like everyday for 4h at least... fuck...


Well, look the truth right in the eye tgchan... nobody gives so much shit about it as you do...


Maybe tomorrow? Maybe day after tomorrow? Maybe in a week, month, year?

Do I really have a choice? I can only wait...

Maybe I will finally find what I am looking for...

Maybe finally someone will appreciate me...

Maybe...

new design

Posted by tgchan on May 27, 2010 at 10:20 AM Comments comments (0)

I was damn tired of the old site, I had to change it. I hope you liek it. There is also a new page called "Ask me" go check it out for more info.


Still playing & still dreaming about big things ^^, nothing really interesting going on atm.

back again

Posted by tgchan on May 15, 2010 at 7:44 AM Comments comments (0)

Being without a team sucks so much... I really don't wanna feel that again...


Few days ago my friend asked me if I don't wanan play with them again (team unified), I have answered YES without any doubt.


Before my friend's offer I was hopping to play with some UK team but it looks liek they don't give a shit about me anymore... so when my friend asked me to play with them I was really happy because of it.


I have also decided to practice more, I am wasting too much time for nothing...


I really don't feel like writing anything more because there is nothing interesting going on in my life atm, well let say it is more boring than usual.


I'll be back when I will have some more inspiration for writing.

being no one

Posted by tgchan on May 10, 2010 at 7:13 AM Comments comments (0)

Being no one is more exhausting than I thought...


Everything looks pointless, I don't wanna wake up because I know there is nothing waiting for me out there...

I look at people, their photos, their life... I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper...


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I am ready to hit the bottom but I keep falling down and I can't stop...


I look at people and I remember that I was a part of their life... yet I feel like I have never existed for them...


Time is running out but I stand still,

I stand and look at the world, life.

Everything decays...

What used to be colorful is grey now,

What used to be a happiness is sadness... I don't know why.


I cheer myself up that one day everything will work out,

That there is something great waiting for me,

I just have to wait for it, stay strong.


This is all I have got. A hope.


long hard road out of hell

Posted by tgchan on May 7, 2010 at 2:04 PM Comments comments (0)

I am so fucking pissed I can barely control myself...



Last weekend when I was playing cs:s I let my anger go of few times, I yelled so loud I have damaged my vocal cords or something... My voice has been changed for almost 6 days and I could barely speak because of sore throat. I still have a cough...


Few days ago when I was taking a bath, cold water get into my left ear and stuck there. The next day was even worse, at the time when I was going to sleep I get some terrible earache. I couldn't fall asleep because of pain... Sometimes it was so strong  I wanted to smash my head againts the wall. I had a work the next day... I slept about ~4h


A day or two ago, something weird started going on with my right eye... It hurts, looks like a cold sore and I fucking don't like it... It is placed right in the corner of my eye and I feel it everytime I blink... Never had this before...


My ear wasn't so bad until today... It doesn't hurt but I can barely hear anything now.

I can't even play CS:S competitively at the moment.... imagine playing in "mono" when hearing is so important in this game.


Nothing really looks good in my life now, we are losing almost 99% of matches in ESL (2vs2 ladder). Everyone seems to be much better than us... I really can't get this out of my head:


Lately we have played vs some top polish players, one of them is 15years old and we honestly couldn't kill this little fucker... he was doing everthing what he wanted with us... I really can't tell if he is damn talented or he is cheating... but I feel like my place belongs in some single player game for n00bs... like The Sims and stuff...


I should go to university tomorrow but it will be too much for me... It is just too much for me... I can't handle it...


I feel like a shit, I look like the shit and... probably I am the shit.


My life is a long hard road out of hell...


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