Philosophy of life... by tgchan

Journal

Wow...I would never say I will start my own blog...WTF -_-'

Anyways I'll treat it like my life journal so I can remember how f*cked up life I was leading (hopefully I will be more happy in future...)


For those who read my journal: as you have noticed (or not) I am adding some youtube music clips. Basically this is the music I am listening to while writing the new posts. This is the music I love, this is the music which helps me write everything straight from my mind/heart.

view:  full / summary

past present

Posted by tgchan on April 30, 2010 at 10:42 AM Comments comments (0)

I really miss old times...


I remember how I used to grind EXP playing Maple Story on PC for like 10h. When my time was up ( my brother's turn) I was taking a bath and then played on XBOX for few more hours. Such a great times... so much fun and joy...



Everything changed...

My own dream destroyed my life.


I am the prisoner of my own mind...


I realize that my dream is almost unreal,

I know that even if I will make it, it won't change much,

Yet I keep doing it and refuse to accept the reality...


Why?


Addiction? I don't think so.

I don't understand why am I trying to cover up reality with my dreams... which are almost unreal...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.





I am trying different esport games but I just can't stand being total n00b... and I keep comming back to cs:s all the time...


Now that is one motherfucking vicious circle...

 


Do I enjoy playing CS:S? Yea sure but only when I totally pwn...

gee gee

Posted by tgchan on April 25, 2010 at 3:08 PM Comments comments (0)

It is over.


I would like to thanks to mark123 (the admin of the www.fragfighters.com) for the text message on my cellphone:

" Freepoll final join up! " sad that I couldn't do anything about it...  ;(


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.



My inet provider fucked me up pretty nice... I couldn't get on the server on time I was trying all the time but I couldn't connect to the site... I got on the server late... couldn't hit anything because I was so pissed about my inet...


After I got on the server already late (people had already 60frags or so...) I get kicked in a middle of the game for too high ping... and it was never higher than 50...



I don't think I could win this even if everything would go smooth anyways.

This is the list of the players from the tournament:



I was playing and crying at the same time because of the helplessness...


One day I dreamed about moment when me and my team won an important LAN and I cried because of the happiness and stuff...  now I have experienced totally opposite situation...



Not in this life I guess... not in this life...


Gee Gee for me in this game.


game over

Posted by tgchan on April 25, 2010 at 9:29 AM Comments comments (0)

I have my eyes full of tears...


It will be all over soon,


I was quiting cs:s before but this one is different, I know this is the last time.


It is so fucking hard for me...  I know it sounds ridiculous but it is like dying...

My dream was born on December 26, 2006. Now it will die on April 25, 2010...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


- 3 years, 4 months

- 173 weeks (rounded down)

- 1217 days

- 29 208 hours

- 1 752 480 minutes

- 105 148 800 seconds


This game and dream was everything to me for this time... I remember every moment of it...


I really tried, I can honestly say I did almost everything... yet


I have never won any cup, any tournament, I have never been on LAN...


I was looking for good teams, I was trying to make them... nothing really worked out.


I feel like I am all alone in this world... I really couldn't find anyone who would share my dedication, desire and  the dream.




I did my best, now I don't give a shit anymore. If my destiny really wants me into this... it better pull off some fucking crazy miracle...


The final test is today at 20:00 CET


http://www.fragfighters.com/news.aspx?ni=187



Good old days huh?... ( from 2008)





Fuck... I am going to miss it...

last days...

Posted by tgchan on April 24, 2010 at 3:54 PM Comments comments (3)

I wanted to make it 1337 but the server restarted :/... I was resting like few times (5min or so) because I couldn't feel my hand >:[


If I will win this tournament, it will be pure destiny miracle...




fatal1ty's way...

Posted by tgchan on April 23, 2010 at 7:50 PM Comments comments (0)


April. 25th at 20:00       €120 in cash prizes

 

If I will win any money in this tournament, I'm  keep doing it. If not... I am done.


I am too tired... no team, no results, no fun, nothing... I can't keep it up if I get nothing in return.


Do I believe I can win this? No.

Do I hope for the win? Yes.


If I will lose it, I will try different games, try to find something that will give me a lots of fun and help to forget about CS:S... but I already know it would be extremely hard...


If there is a destiny and I wasn't mistaken, I will win this.

fear

Posted by tgchan on April 18, 2010 at 4:34 PM Comments comments (0)

I am more and more scared... scared that my dreams will never come true...


I am almost paralysed because of it...


Being without the team suck nut sack, I really have to find something that will boost my hope/motivation as it just hit the bottom line.



If I would have good decent job I would probably quit CS:S and play bunch of good games but again WTF 


this doesn't even make a sense... yet this is what I feel...



This whole thing drives me crazy... for fuck sake...

I am 24 year old and the time is now speeding like in THE SIMS.


Day by day pass and you realize that the:


- job you have sucks

- you are studying some random n00b stuff

- you have to write decent M.A. dissertation when you really can't even think about this shit...

- you are nobody

- 99% people hate you

- you still love with your parents

- nobody cares about you

- you did nothing you can be proud of

- probably whole family thinks you are a loser

- almost everyone around you have a happier life than you do

- when you see some random photos/movies you wonder how cool "their" life must be etc.

- your only dream and goal is so fucking unreal like a kicking your own [email protected]


I wonder why am I still above the ground... I should have shot myself years ago...


Oh wait I know why...


I don't have a gun.



I really don't want to go sleep... this whole shit awaits me there...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


gaming

Posted by tgchan on April 16, 2010 at 2:18 PM Comments comments (0)

Day by day existence is trying to tear out gaming from my life...


More and more things are againts me...


I live my casual life...


I make things I don't enjoy


I am someone I am not



I hide from people...

I wear black sunglasses so they can't see me...

I wear earpieces so they can't hear me...


Like a ghost I move between people, unseen...


Everything just to get home,


turn my music and game on,


This feeling...



I AM FINALLY ME...

I AM FINALLY FREE...

THIS IS WHAT I AM AND ALWAYS BE...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.




life is shit

Posted by tgchan on April 13, 2010 at 6:29 PM Comments comments (0)

Nothing holds together,

Everything is chaos,

Nothing I can do,

Everything falls apart...


I just really can't understand why do I still believe... I am almost sure it will never work out for me and I will be nothing as I am now.


Am I lying myself just to keep it up?


Am I scared to end it?


I just really don't know where else I could go... 


What drives me so hard? It is like I am fighting with something that is impossible to beat, yet I get up and fight back after every knockdown.


How could I lost control over my life so bad...

How could I let everyone and everything to define me...

How could I let myself down like this...


god, devil or whatever... I fucking need a miracle to change it all I don't care about consequences...  It is too much for one person


noone can hold so much pain, boredom, disappointment, humiliation, sadness without getting his personality destroyed...


Life changed me,

beat me to a pulp,

I have to recover my shape,

I have to change life...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


Afraid to wake up


Afraid to look reality in the eyes


Lost in dreams and pain


I lost my light...





Tomorrow/today I will decide If I will stay with CS:S or go to cs1.6

In both games I am nothing, I hope I will make a good decision.


css

Posted by tgchan on April 10, 2010 at 3:08 PM Comments comments (0)

I am still playing CS:S. We have managed to form a team together with my old friends.


I am really, really sad because of my underperformance. I am practising really a lot ( Playing time: 65.9 hrs past 2 weeks ) it would be much more if the team would be more active...


3 of us can play almost all the time but 2 are not so much active... they are good, we know each other for a long time  and it would be damn hard to replace them with someone better.



My wrist and arm hurts because of CSSdm, I have a headache because I am trying to perform at my top level all the time...


Few minutes of a break and I am going back on DM, hopefully we will play something with a team soon.


In free time we play 2vs2 on ESL with my team-mate. We are doing quite fine but it would be much better without fucked up ESL maps like: de_dust, de_tides, de_chateau, de_prodigy, de_aztec


http://www.esl.eu/eu/team/4990632/


I am also trying to play 1vs1 on ESL but it is so fucking hard for me... I hate these maps... I hate when these noobs are camping etc. It is damn weird... I feel so weak playing ESL 1vs1, so scared and stressed all the time...


When I play 2vs2 or 5on5 I almost never experience this... If I wouldn't be so fucked up I would play 1vs1 almost all the time. I hate it, I don 't enjoy it at all and I have to force myself to play it...




I am really pushing myself to the limits...



loop sa shoop

Posted by tgchan on April 3, 2010 at 5:10 PM Comments comments (0)

And... I have been removed from CS:S team. I really don't mind it as I did not enjoy playing css + team was not too much in my type...


What I mind is that nobody even told me that they have a new player they just went for training without me... bunch of fuckers without balls...


I told them that this team is terrible and they should change me because we were not getting along with each others, everyone represented some decent skill but as a team we were just zomfg... or even less...


And... here I am again lol... in my most famous place NOFUCKINGWHERE!


And... I am shit


And...I still don't know what to do


And... at least I am playing the game I like.



Everyone is beating shit out of me on ESL but I will not give up...fuck them


fuck them all...



I just wonder... ehhh never mind...




same sh1t

Posted by tgchan on March 28, 2010 at 5:15 PM Comments comments (0)

Day by day passes, nothing really happens... My current team is ok but it feels like this is not what I was looking for, even when we are playing almost everyday. Something is not right, there is a great lack of energy in this team, it will never survive...


I play cs1.6, I enjoy it but I am shit.

I play cs:s, I don't enjoy it and I am shit.

I play on the guitar, I enjoy it and I am shit.



Here is a little demo what I have learnt after 3months of having the guitar.

http://w67.wrzuta.pl/audio/2qJT1iDcVYo/truth_by_tgchan_noob



When I go to work I just really wish some random guy punch me right into my face or something... everything different from this sick routine would be better.


I am trapped in a god damn loop of misery...

dreams

Posted by tgchan on March 20, 2010 at 9:16 PM Comments comments (0)

Every day I dream about being in some professional team... day by day I practice with a hope for better tomorrow.


I have found the way to practice more; I play CS:S only with my team and CS 1.6 in free time. I can play cs1.6 so much without getting bored, I think it is because I really love this game.


Why people can't be where they wish to be and do what they love... ?


If only some good manager knew me... what I do in order to get better, how much determination and discipline I put in my life just for this one dream of mine...


I am almost 25 years old... for fuck sake... I still belive I can make it... I want to escape from this life so much... I hate it... I know where I belong... Why the fuck nobody sees me!?


If they only knew... how much I want it... how much I can practice and sacrifice...


Many people think that I want to do this for money... they don't understand that I love it... I am gaming since I was few years old... it is almost 20years of playing different games... every day... for many hours...


Now I wish to be "part of it".


How? HOW!? Can I get to the place where I belong!? The place I dream about... the place I love...


There are lots of good players... better than me, with greater chances, etc.


Will I manage to break through this iron curtain which keeps me separate from my dream? Can I do this? Am I strong enough to fight with the whole world for my dream?


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


no exit

Posted by tgchan on March 16, 2010 at 7:31 PM Comments comments (0)

I am trapped somewhere between the real world and the dream one... both seems to be out of my reach...


I feel like I am living in separate reality, I am lost, I don't know where to go or what to do... everything seems to be pointless, everything I do is meaningless. When I go to sleep I feel like I am escaping from all this but I know I will have to wake up soon...



Everything is dying around me... or maybe it is me?


Colors have faded to black and white...


I look and see the world half real and half how I would like it to be.


Everything is so perfect clear... so scary perfect clear...



I lost my faith,

I lost it all...

Human no more...

Machine of hate I've become.



I am ready for the worst,

nothing can hurt me now,

there is no fear anymore,

pain is my friend,

suffering is my guardian,

now there is just...

waiting...waiting,

waiting for the destiny to make a move...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.





hope stronger than misfortunes

Posted by tgchan on March 14, 2010 at 9:06 AM Comments comments (0)

Many fucked up things awaits me like writing my Master's thesis and some other shit... but


I have a really great team at the moment.

5 people with same dedication, desire and self-discipline. I can easily say it is my best team so far.


Yesterday I have asked [R] .PhP if they would like to play vs us on de_nuke but he told me that his teammates wouldn't agree and they are only playing vs top well known teams. I perfectly understand it... we are 0, shit, nothing, we have to earn our own respect. I just wish we will be able to play vs Reason Gaming at least once before they disband ;(



Currently we are trying to change organization so we can get some support for our 1st LAN and bootcamp which will take place in 2 or 3 months.


I am playing CS:S even when I love cs1.6 more. This remind me of the situation when CGS have decided to switch to CS:S and players had to play CS:S instead of cs1.6.


I am taking this very professional and I am doing my best in order to improve my skill/experience even when I don't like this game.


Practice on DM is really a pain in the ass because I think all the time how fucked up CS:S is... thanks god it all vanish when I am with my teammates; I forget about everything and there is only me and my team. I enjoy this game so fucking much just because of them.



This upcoming LAN will be our biggest chance for breakthrough. I hope it will all go well and we will have the time of our life... we need it... I need it!



Recently some people have told me that they like my site etc.

I am really happy because of it and I would like to thank You very much. This is amazing how few good words can cheer you up... especially when you are doing what you love and people understand it...


There are a lot of people who struggle with life like me...


They all have goal, dream, determination and a great hunger for some little success in their life and I frankly wish them all best luck with it!






 


1.6 > css

Posted by tgchan on March 9, 2010 at 4:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Ok I just have finished my dm game in CS:S after 2+ weeks of playing only CS 1.6


I just have to admit that the CS 1.6 is far far far fucking FAR better than CS:S...


When I hit Alternate Attax dm I felt so weird, it was like maps are damn small and my model is fucking oversized lol; guns  so big etc.



My aim was just sick... I was playing with mp3 so I couldn't hear anything and I still made 2:1 kpd without any problem...


Aiming is so easy in CS:S... killing would be easy too if not fucked up low dmg... and few minor things like not slow down when getting a hit etc.


Anyways I am here again... Counter-Strike: Source ladies and germs...


I am much more into 1.6 I really love it... if this team will not maintain in good condition I will be more than happy going back to cs1.6




wtf am I doing...

Posted by tgchan on March 9, 2010 at 2:37 PM Comments comments (0)

I am so fucking lost... I have switched to cs1.6 and I really liked it... I have met great people; dedicated, determined and with high ambition


and now I have left all this for CS:S team... I just hope it will be worth it...


I have let down 4 cool guys in cs1.6 and I feel bad... They had some flaws but they were really ok... I am mean motherfucker...


I am really good at hurting people feelings...It comes naturally... :/



Why the fuck am I doing this!?


It could really worked out in cs1.6 if we just hold together... and I am the one who made this team fall apart...


I really deserve to rot in some dark hole, I don't do anything good to anyone...


nothing changes...

Posted by tgchan on March 4, 2010 at 10:49 AM Comments comments (0)

Damn...


That is a hell of a time since my last post...



It will be a chaotic and brief post about few last months of my life.



About 2 months ago I have bought my 1st guitar. I really wanted and still want to be part of a music and not just a "consumer".

For few weeks I am not learning anything new, I do not spend 2+h /day for practice as I used to before. I am doing just a basic finger exercise + playing intro of 1 song I have learnt...


I am not in the mood for complicated things at the moment, I really have enough thinking. I am angry for myself because I was learning really and I mean like really fcking fast on my own, but I will not force myself to do it there is no point of that...



Last 3 weeks were quite a hell for me... lots of exams, learning, trips from one city to another in overcrowded small buses (FOR FUCK SAKE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING ANIMALS OR EVEN WORSE!) etc.



Even when I am sleeping 8h I feel tired all the time I mean wtf is wrong with me!? I feel like some vampire drinks half of my blood every night...


but I know what is it...


lack of happiness,purpose and hope in life...


Recently I have also switched to Counter Strike 1.6, yes I am not playing CS:S anymore... I got totally burnt out.

I was always curious and fascinated by cs1.6 and I was right about it. It is a hell of a motherfucking game! period.


Sad that I am so retarded and I have started playing it after 10years of existence... I am glad I was able to transfer more than ~60% of my CS:S exp/skill to cs1.6.


I feel really ok playing it and I am getting into it more and more.



Well what else? hmm


Oh I know...


I can see and understand more and more of yin&Yang in life.

I am trying to adjust my life to it more and more as I believe it has some major advantages.


I am not talking here about some modern shit like feng shui etc.


yin&yang was and always will be the way of nature and life. I know that thanks to it I can understand how to live and understand life better.


It is some serious old chinese shit dawg! You can't learn about it in school.



I am some kind of an old chinese philosopher trapped in this modern twisted world. But I like CYBERPUNK, metal music, games and much more so I must be some kind of a new  " old chinese philospher " >:D



I will post something new when anything bad or good will happen to me because at the moment it is boring as shit...


By the way check out my new "quotes" if you are interested in some philosophy, there are some new quotes I have added recently after long, long time!




...

Posted by tgchan on January 26, 2010 at 5:08 PM Comments comments (0)

I lost it all... I have nothing to stick with anymore. I feel like a blind man thrown into ocean... every direction I pick seems to be wrong. Now I can only trust in the current, I am helpless.


I have only one wish now,

I pray for it everyday,

I hope it will fullfil soon,

I don't want to fight anymore,

I don't want more hopes.

I just want to close my eyes and rest,

Never feel it again,

I tried with my all heart and every thought,

Yet life have never shown me,

That this all pain is worth something...


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.




Winter hides the dead

Just like summer ends too soon

Springing forth the new knowing

Autumn is the tomb... 

-Devin Townsend-


l.i.s.

Posted by tgchan on January 17, 2010 at 4:36 PM Comments comments (0)

Another weekend spent at university... (10h-Saturday, 10h-Sunday). After Saturday's courses I went to a house where I rent a room for a night, as usual. Unfortunately my room was already taken so the owner of the house took me to the other one. I get undressed etc. then I took a look around the new room, it was very modest, anyways as the rest of the house but the family who lives here is very friendly and nice (this is what really matters).


I sat on chair, opened backpack and took out bag full of chocolate candies (my parents always care about me even if I am such a motherfucker for them :( ). I have plugged in the earphones to my phone. I thought "it is the best part of this fucking day; eat some chocolate and listen to music.


I have picked the song "BAD HORSIE" by Steve Vai.


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.



This is not my type of music but I really needed something for a change, anyways this song has a sick riff >:D


While listening to it I have realized that I am in the room surrounded by horses (painting, sketch, toy, 2 scupltures, calendar, there was even a huge rusted horseshoe lying on the bookshelf...)


http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00582.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00581.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00580.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00579.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00578.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c7/tgchan/work/DSC00577.jpg





I was like WTF!!! This song + horses I don't even like horses...


Coincidence?

Does it mean that I was in a good place at good time and I am doing what I should have done in life so far?

Or maybe it is just my mental mind?



I am in places, I do things but it feels weird, unreal, like it is not my life. WHY THIS FUCKING ROOM WITH CREEPY HORSES ALL OVER THE PLACE!?


Would I notice them if not the song "Bad Horsie" ? Why did I even put this on my phone, just day before...

This can't be a coincidence. Maybe it is a clue? it is not understandable though!!!


Life makes fun of me...all the time...





questiones w/o answers?

Posted by tgchan on December 23, 2009 at 12:03 PM Comments comments (0)

 

 

What are we chasing in life? What is our purpose to live? Why don't we do what we want to? When have we lost the control over our lifes?



We are not living in a real world anymore. We believe we do but we are not...

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


People nowadays are living in an elaborate dream, the world they see is just an illusion. They are being used by the system. The speed of life blind them so they can't see what they have become. I am one of them...slave of the system but I can see it... I don't like it, I don't accept it and I am going to find the way out of it!


If you are not afraid to look  the truth straight in the eyes and you really want to see what I see, then start question everything around you; what you see, hear, feel, taste. Start asking people "why is that?!" before they will force you to think like they do. You will be hated, you will be alone, you will be incomprehensible for the community...

yet you will feel that at least you are in control of your mind.


You will start to understand things, you will feel like a someone who doesn't belong to this place anymore...


When you will talk to a man, thousands thoughts and patterns will run through your mind in a few milliseconds;

-what is he/she thinking,

-what does he/she want

-etc.


It will come naturally when you will be able to read someone's mind... and one day you will come up to the question " Am I fucking crazy !? "





So... What are we chasing in life? What is our purpose to live? Why don't we do what we want to? When have we lost the control over our lifes? These questions can be answered by you and by you alone.





Am I inventing this? No.

I am just trying to describe something which is undescribable.





You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.




Rss_feed