Philosophy of life... by tgchan

Journal

loop till you puke

Posted by tgchan on October 19, 2010 at 3:27 PM

Long time since I have updated my journal...


First of all I would like to say sorry to all people I have hurt recently, especially guys from steam.



Sometimes I just can't stand reality so much I have to " turn myself off ", be alone etc.

I hate when I blame people around me for almost everything what is bad. I try to justify my current situation in life by looking at myself through someone else eyes.

I am really in great depression at the moment... what is more I have decided to put away one of my cure: sweets.


I have used to eat at least 1 jar of nutella + lots of other chocolate bars etc. Sometimes when I was really sad I was eating a jar of nutella in few minutes... Yes it really helps me. It works like "mmm look, this is how life sweet can be if you were not such a fucked up... " and I want this moment last and last, spoon by spoon...


Of course there is a price for that kind of cheap drug and I am not talking here about the money...


For the last ~5 months I have gained like +6kg of weight... I am not going to be a fcking fatso... hell no!


I am such a mess at the moment that I keep installing and uninstalling 3 games almost every day and keep thinking about 4th...


" Fck this shit game CS:S I am so full of it!(delete), I am going to play cs1.6(install). It is so much better and I am almost as good as in CS:S etc. etc. Same shit players without dream or dedication as in css, fck that I don't

belong in cs1.6(delete). I have enough of cs/css and fighting for elaborate shit dream I will just play some cool realistic game, the stuff I really enjoy, Red Orchestra(install). Omfg stupid fps dropping in big fights 50/50 server, the game is so fcking slow...agrhh killed again now I have to run for minutes!!! hmmm CS:S...  fck that! this is the place where I belong.This is the game I have been playing for years! but I can't play both games CS:S and Red Orchestra(delete)? my aim will get fcked. CS:S (install) Ok lets go slow now, build up old skill and confidence, don't mess with settings etc. and show everyone what you really are... "


This fcking loop last for few weeks already... between these games I am thinking also about SC2 but being a complete noob  repels me...


SEE!!!? I can't even think about games as I used to... just fcking play the game and enjoy it nothing more... but I can't... not anymore...


I am so mental... so unreal...


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KoRn - Hating


My life is such a waste

Begging for something to work this time

But why can't I relate?

Feeling all I do is get what’s mine

Holding on to faith

Never gave me nothing but despair

So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

I cannot take this place

Burning up inside this space of mine

But why can't I replace feelings I find hard to really find?

I try but I can't taste

Memories they always fuck with me

So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

All my feelings have been eating all of me

Feed inside

Is there something wrong with me?

I can't take

We have a star

I can't take

We got a fantasy

Come what may

We are the stars

I can't wait

I’ll take what’s mine

Been hating all this time, before I crawled inside

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find

Been hating all this time, too far to cross the line

Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find



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