|Posted by tgchan on January 13, 2011 at 8:49 PM|
I have lost motivation to write new things here. Nobody give a shit anyways.
I have quit CS:S and moved to CS. Formed the team of people with whom I can play a lot.
Am I happy now? No. I wake up only to wait for training so I can play with team; problems, problems and problems... always something on my way. I have lost job (not because of me) and now I have to look for another one...
All I do is sleep, eat and play but somehow I can't enjoy it. I really don't know anymore what I need in order to be happy. I put a lot of hard work and heart in my team but it brings shit results anyways.
I miss old times... so much, really... The blithely childhood of innocence.
I can't find my own place, everywhere I stay, work, talk etc. I feel like a stranger... like a weird shaped puzzle.
I envy people's life, when I look at their photos etc.
I feel more and more disconnected from the reality, I don't see people, cars, sidewalk etc. anymore... just an obstacles and the way from point A to point B.
I am more and more dead. How much longer can I fall into this abyss of nothingness.
I want to be a musician, an actor, a pro gamer, a singer, a guy working in game industry, a writer, an artist... anyone but not a grey random guy... all I wan't is just to find my own place... the place I will feel a part of, the place which will let me be and live like a me.
This scary paranoia haunts, day by day my life is ending and I still don't know who am I?
It feels so weird... like I am in the most boring movie, trapped between dream and reality.
The worst thing is... all I do is wait. I wait for a miracle or something that will change it all but I know it may never come... and I am scared of it.